After leaving school I was briefly engaged to Princess Tracey of Denmark. I trained as a circus dwarf, was in the Special Boat Squadron with Paddy Ashdown and Sir John Gielgud, played at outside left for Rotherham United, and was the good looking one in the 3 Degrees.

I was, for a time, Member of Parliament for East Widmerpool, and served as Junior Minister for Condescension under Mrs. Thatcher.

In my spare time I am a consultant choreographer to the RSPB, design costume jewellery for a number of international tax lawyers, and grow organic paper for the North Devon Origami Society.

I had hoped to have a career in marketing, but find that I am fluent in English.


Well, it’s none of your damn business really is it?